God, why in the Hell am I doing this?
Well, I suppose this should be my introduction. This is my journal-that-will-hold-all-of-my-personal-information-and-secrets and apparently, you're reading it. That sure is comforting to know eyes that are not my own are scrolling across these pages of passages of my life. My name is Rebecca, um, hello. I’m a boring, bland, usually rather depressing 19 year old. Who incidentally has just entered the, Oh so wonderful, world of college Yay me.
In this notebook you will meet wonderful and horrible people, allies and foes, strange creatures from the depths of my disturbed mind, dreams that could mean anything from my mind expressing its distain at all the emotions and memories I’ve refused to accept (or so says my therapist) to telling me that I should stop eating so much cookie dough ice cream before bed. Prepare your asses, ladies and gentlemen, for you are about to ride the wild, spinning, and out of control roller coaster that is my life.
This is going to end poorly, isn't it?
CHAPTER 1: Rust and Splinters
Dark. It was dark. It was dark as if every light in the whole world had been extinguished like God snuffing out a flame on a candle on his creation. Did I believe in God? Was God even here? I was unsure. I wasn’t even fully sure who I was or what I was. All I knew was the dark. The cold, empty, seemingly unforgiving dark. All I could tell is that I was standing up somehow. I suppose that meant I had a pair of legs, that, or I was somehow balancing on two hind legs, waiting for my balance to inevitably send me crashing onto all fours. After standing for what felt like a couple of minutes of hesitation, I assumed it was safe enough to look down to see what kind of limbs were supporting me.
I looked down.
I gave out a sigh, which in turn made me jump, almost making me lose my balance, for two reasons. Reason one: It seemed to have been a natural instinct that I was not expecting to comply with. Do I do this often? Is it a skill of some kind? That didn’t seem too important at the moment, anyway. Reason two: When I sighed out for some reason I expected to hear sound. The sound of air escaping from my lungs with exasperation, but there was nothing, only the dark. I tried to speak, I felt a small vibration in my throat that passed through my mouth, my lips mouthing the word, “Hello?” By all reason, there should have been some sound, but once again, there was only the dark. The possibly endless, senseless dark.
A slow drum of trepidation began to beat inside of my tightening chest. What else could I not do? Why could I not do what I could not do in the first place? A word rang inside of my head, “Anxiety” I was starting to sink into an anxiety attack, but how did I know that? Another thing that didn’t seem to matter for the moment. All I knew is that I had to calm myself down, but how? I had to let instincts take over. I took a slow, shaky breath and held it for several seconds, until I could loudly hear the beating of my heart inside of my head. I let the breath out slowly, this time it was a bit less shaky than they first breath. That, with the combination of hearing my heart beat slower, made me relax a little. I closed my eyes and counted down from ten.
Nine. My silent breathing once again slowed
Seven. My thoughts started to become slightly easier to control
Five. The fists I did not notice I had been clenching loosened.
Three. Three. The tightness in my chest began to fade.
I opened my eyes slowly, though my sight was no different than having them closed, obviously, but I was calmer now and was ready to try and find my way out of this mess. I began to move my feet in a slow walk. I stumbled a few times at first, you’d be surprised how easily you can trip over your own two feet if you can’t see them or any other part of you, for that matter. Once I regained my balance, I continued onward in a direction I wasn’t entirely sure of. I tried to walk with the most confident stride I could manage, which wasn’t a very extravagant one. That’s when I found the hill.
My left foot hit an incline, which caused me to sprawl to my hands and knees. I winced, then I realized what my hands and knees were laying on. “Grass!” I thought to myself. I kneaded my fingers into the plant life and dirt, happy I wasn’t in an endless maze of nothingness, forever. This was something and anything something was hope. Who knows, maybe I wasn’t even alone out there. After my excitement started to fade, I got up onto my feet again and tried to climb the hill blind, holding my hands out in front of me, half for balance, half in case I went falling down onto my face. I wasn’t in the mood to literally “eat dirt”. I eventually reached the top of the hill as my legs stood on solid ground. I felt almost proud, like a toddler walking on two feet for the first time without falling down right away.
My moment of pride was interrupted by my foot colliding with something hard, really hard, and it didn’t give way when I tripped over it. As I fell, I tried to catch myself, but it was too late. My head slammed into another really, really hard object. I was laying with my face in gravel for a while before I slowly pushed myself up onto my elbows, rubbing the swollen spot on my forehead, “Ow… Son of a…” I mouthed before I got up onto my knees and felt around the ground until my hands met with the object my head just became really, really, good friends with. After touching it for a minute, I thought, “…Metal?” I turned around to where my foot had failed me and felt that object as well. It was the same thing. The same material. I turned to face what was to the left side and felt the ground, gravel, mostly gravel and… wood? Rows and rows of wooden slats. I felt cracks and splinters on them and they felt worn, old, but strong all at the same time.
A tiny ring lofted past my ears. I nearly dislocated my neck from my spine with how fast I shot my head up in the direction from the sound. I scrambled up to my feet, my heart going between pounding and stopping from the anticipation. I started to walk over the wooden planks, slowly inching towards the origin of the noise. This time it was a whoosh, like air racing past me, yet I felt no such wind. It was constant and it was getting louder. I sped up, mindlessly hurrying towards it. The whooshing became a roaring sound, which should have intimidated me, but didn’t. I only reached my arms out, nearly running now, hoping to find something, anything. Anything to show me I wasn’t alone.
That’s when I saw it.
A light. A light was starting to glow. So very, very dim, as if it was going to die out at any moment. That sight made me break into a sprint, begging whoever was out there to let me get to that gleam. It didn’t die out, in fact, it got stronger, brighter. The roaring in turn became louder and louder, almost to the point where I thought I was going to jump at whatever it was when it got close enough to me. The roaring became so loud that my ears began to ring and felt like they were going to go numb. The light was so brilliant, so intense, that I had to actually shield my eyes with my arm, lest I go blind. That’s when my foot got caught under one of the planks of wood. I once again was on my hands and knees, swearing at the stinging pain of the fall. That’s when I blinked, confused, baffled, even. I could see the wooden planks. I looked to the sides of me and I could see the now metal railing. My heart stopped in dread this time. Wooden planks… Metal railing… The roar got louder. My ears were in pain now, I blocked them with my hands and looked up, then dropped them to my sides. The light was blinding, but I realized what it was. I realized what it was for what it was, not hope, not faith, not promise, but fear. Absolute fear. I threw myself to my feet and tried to jump, but it was too late. The train hit me and I became red, pink, and brown splatter across the train tracks, the rest of me plastered to the front of the rampaging locomotive. Then, seemingly impossibly, I sat up straight, panting heavily and sweating. I felt clothes stuck to my skin from sweat and I could barely catch my breath. The room was dark and that almost sent me into another panic. I turned to my side fast and fumbled around hurriedly until my fingers felt a small chain with a ball at the end of it. I tugged it, and the whole room came into view. My room. My bed. No trains. Safe. I was safe.